Dear Sleep… (A love letter-ish)


Dear Sleep,

Remember the time when we were happy partners, I went to you and you held me in your loving arms like a child, comforting me like a warm blankie? It was effortless, and I would always wake up refreshed and ready to face the world? Oh, right. That’s never happened.

Sleep, why do you allow me to pursue you like a stalker, chasing you around dark corners in the shadows of the night? You are elusive and cruel. I want you but you play so coy, so hard to get. I dream of you, but I never get to actually dream with you.


You’ll let me have you for a few hours and then you force me up in early morning hours and tease me with your yawns. I’ve read all the articles and advice in health magazines, the Cosmo of sleep- the tips and hints of how to pursue and keep you.

Sleep, I stay away from caffeine after 2pm because I know it’s something you don’t like. I stay away from computer and screen time before bed because I know those things impact my circadian rhythm. I try not to drink too many liquids before bed so not to allow my bladder to interfere with you. I even take Diazepam before bed to ensure you will visit me. But still, you elude me, like I have a venereal disease.

Sleep 2

Then at the times when I want you the least, during important meetings or conversations, when I’m driving or when I’m reading you decide that now is the time that you want to have me. You try to put me down like an abusive boyfriend, trying to knock me into submission when I want you the least. I need you, but you only seem to want to give me the satisfaction of having you at the most inconvenient times.

Sleep, why can’t you just work with me here? Why can’t we work this out together so I can be a functioning human being again? I am a sleep deprived zombie, living each day in a dream-like state because I never seem to be fully awake or fully asleep. Relationships are supposed to be about give and take, sleep. But you seem to just take, take, take. You hold back your love and never give me the rest I need.

Someday, sleep, I hope that we can work this out somehow. That you will just give me a break and allow me to have a routine- you know, how some people (most) seem to be able to go to sleep at a set time and get up at a set time and actually feel rested. I would prefer to have you come into my life around 9 or 10pm each evening and release me from your spell around 5 or 6am, in plenty of time to get some exercise in the early morning before work. That would be ideal. Do you think, sleep, that perhaps we could work this out somehow? Just tell me what you would like me to do and I promise to meet your demands. It’s been too long now- it’s time for us to patch up this broken relationship.


Ocean Hayward

P.S. I love you, sleep. I’ve had you a few times in the past, so I know we can do this.

Cartoons cited:

Seluk, Nick. “Fun with Insomnia” and “Overtired.” The Awkward Yeti: Fun with Heart

and Brain. <> November 12, 2017.

******Please check out Nick Seluk’s site- I found his cartoons while looking for images for this post. He has many more funny cartoons about other topics, and many about sleepnessness and insomnia which were quite funny to me while not being able to sleep. I know you’ll enjoy them. He also has calendars and the like for sale. I do not know Nick, I have not been approached by him to help sell his stuff (not that there’s anything wrong with that), I just really enjoyed his work and highly recommend you check it out.******

Counting Meese ‘Cuz I Can’t Sleep



Why is it when you can’t sleep,

They suggest you count sheep?

Is it because sleep rhymes with sheep?

Often, I can’t sleep. Too often. I may sleep for a few hours, but then I find myself awake at 2:30 am and I’m wired. Wiredish. I say “wiredish” because I’m partially wanting to sleep, I’m yawny, but at the same time my mind is racing. Sometimes it’s with serious, anxiety inflicting problems. Other times it’s with complete randomness.

For example, the plural of goose is geese. So why isn’t the plural of moose “meese”?


Or earlier tonight, my grandfather-in-law and I were watching “Etalk.” It is the Canadian equivalent of Entertainment Tonight. It comes on right after the local news. My grandfather-in-law is 90 and he loves the local news. He loves to rant at the local news weather woman, Cindy Day. “Cindy Day, are you going to look in the mirror and tell us it’s going to be a beautiful “Day”? It’s hilarious because you can tell this woman thinks she’s all that and a bag of weed. A big bag of weed. The size that would land you in jail for trafficking.

Anyway, Etalk is not generally a show that either one of us would watch. But when the lead-in is, “Tonight: Shocking accusations surrounding Charlie Sheen,” I found myself saying out-loud almost as if I, myself, were 90 years old as well, “Ugh. This ought to be good,” followed by, “what could be more shocking than what he’s already done.” So exactly what has the bi-winning Charlie Sheen been up to now? Well, it’s not something he’s done recently. It’s what he apparently did 29 years ago.

The story continues, “19 year old Charlie. 13 year old Corey Haim. Explosive accusations from a 1986 film set and the details behind the alleged underage encounter between the TV star and the late Canadian actor.” Well, what can I say. We were mesmerized by celebrity news. Me because Corey Haim was my junior high crush, the boy of my dreams. I watched every movie. I even own the film Lucas on DVD.

If you haven’t heard the gory details yet, I’ll give you the quick and dirty (literally) synopsis. Charlie Sheen allegedly raped Corey Haim on the set of Lucas. No wonder poor Corey Haim became a washed-up child star addicted to drugs.

You can find the full news clip here for your viewing enjoyment:

So this is the kind of thing that I think about when I can’t sleep.

I’m also thinking about how much my day tomorrow is going to suck donkey dicks. I have to make a 4 hour drive from my current location to my home-town, Halifax, Nova Scotia. It’s going to be a very long drive consisting of many coffee and pee breaks. Also, I will likely buy many packs of Skittles because the sugar helps to keep me awake. I’ll also put on the Sirius radio and switch between the 80s, 90s, and early 2000s music stations, blasting it and singing along. I always put the music on loud so I can’t hear my own voice while I sing along. That way I can pretend I’m a gifted singer. Remember the movie “The Heartbreak Kid,” the car scene? Here’s a refresher:

And this is probably why my husband prefers we always listen to talk radio when we drive.

But back to sleeping and my lack of it and my lack of it. Oh, and my lack of sleeping. Am I being redundant? I’ve always had sleep issues. As a child, I remember laying awake in my bed for hours. And if I got out of bed, my parents would get ticked off and send me back. “Try warm milk.” I’d tell them, I can’t shut off my mind. “Well, stop thinking.” Duh, if it was that easy, I’d just do that.

And when I do sleep? Well, you don’t want to be my bed partner. I’ve accidentally punched my husband in the face too many times to count. Not on purpose, just because I move around a lot in my sleep. I talk in my sleep, cry in my sleep. Recently, my husband had to take me back to bed because I was walking around our apartment in my sleep.

I know some other people I follow have commented on their own sleep issues- night terrors and the like. I don’t seem to have bad dreams. If I do, I don’t remember them. I do often dream that I’m at work. My dreams are often like an extension of whatever happened during the day. That’s often a nightmare unto itself. Work all day, and then in my sleep I work, so it’s not even like having a true sleep even if I do sleep.

My doctor has prescribed me Diazepam for helping me to sleep. Problem is the 5mg helps me to sleep for a few hours, and the 10mg knocks me out to the point that I sleep most of the following day. Also, I don’t want to end up like Anna Nicole Smith or Heath Ledger, both of whom died from Diazepam cocktails (a mix of Diazepam and other prescription drugs.) I’ve tried many sleeping aids from melatonin, valerian root, chamomile tea, warm milk, Sleep-Eze… nothing works. Do Serta mattresses actually help? Maybe I need a Serta.

Is there anyone else who has difficulty getting to and staying asleep? What do you do when you can’t sleep?

Sweet Dreams, everyone.